DAY SIX: GOOD WEATHER, SHIT BEERS

Venlo to Cologne

Daily Distance: 104.83 kms

Total Distance: 536.76 kms

“As the blinds were pulled back and the room filled with glorious sunlight, their tired faces grew enormous smiles. Their spirits were lifted with the knowledge that today, their clothes would remain dry, their sunglasses may after all prove useful, and their rain jackets could stay deeply embedded in their bags. The blue sky had been removed of clouds and also removed were the memories of dark, gloomy rain-filled days on five of the first six of this magical but until now wet adventure.”

Ok, maybe I’m being a little dramatic, but my point has been made: for only the second time so far, Day Six granted us a rainless day.

The Dutch-German border was only 22 minutes ride from Venlo, but it took us less than that again to realise that German cycle paths were as poorly signed and confusing as Dutch ones. Again I reiterate, the paths are great, the drivers polite and understanding, and the rules both generous and adhered to. But too often in both of these countries you follow a well-signed route, only for it to disappear at the very next intersection and leave you with a one in four chance of remaining on track. I’ve a better chance of being employed as a jockey than getting to my destination without getting lost at least five times.

We had a coffee in Viersen while we waited for some locals, Steve and Peter, who were to join us only for this leg of the ride. Cheaters. As a long time cyclist, fluent German and Dutch speaker and genuine local, Peter was tasked with being our navigator for the day. This was probably a relief for Dan who got a day off, but made the rest of us nervous since Dan had done so well to-date he had become known as SatNav Dan. Peter wouldn’t like me to mention that he took a GPS with him to help in this task, and would be less keen for me to tell you that its battery ran out after two hours, rendering it useless anyway: karma. Skip forward to an hour or so after the GPS died and you would find us in the middle of a German potato field with Peter asking local farmers, in German, for directions. I may not have understood exactly what was being said, but there was no confusing the outcome as they frantically pointed him in the direction from which we had just come. I wasn’t too fussed, though, as I’d spotted wild blackberries that I was hoeing into like a fat kid does to chocolate cake. (If you recall the strawberries from a previous blog you’ll understand that I have a wicked eye for berries of any variety and in any situation...)

Somehow during conversation it was discovered that Dan has written poems after all of his previous cycling trips with Jim, so Steve wondered whether he would get a mention in the next edition which is surely to be written after our arrival in Istanbul (if indeed this ever happens!). This was the result of that conversation:

At Viersen we were joined by Peter and Steve,
Their navigation skills you wouldn’t believe.
We didn’t follow the long distance route,
They seemed to think it was all a hoot,
To go round and round as far as we can,
And blame it all on SatNav Dan.

(c) P. Dan Hanson

We rediscovered the proper route, but not before Alan tumbled into a bush in a moment of pure hilarity. I will not rehash the story as it would never do it justice, but all you have to imagine is Alan ever so slowly tipping sideways into a large bush, leaving him sprawled on the ground, with passers-by wondering what was going on and his fellow musketeers not sure whether to show compassion or laugh hysterically. I have to admit I instigated the latter, but only after the deadly silence was broken by Alan’s mumbled words from the bush, “put it in the blog”.

Tonight we ventured into the centre of Cologne where we found a hugeeee beer hall that seemed just what the doctor ordered, Not so huge however were the beers that they served. I'm not sure what's going on with people from Cologne but they only served 200ml beers in this place. TWO HUNDRED MILLILETRES!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?! I've had shots of vodka in Russia larger than that! Honestly, we're in a German beer hall and under no circumstances will they serve me a beer that is bigger than two mouthfuls. I was absolutely dismayed, insisting that such a thing would be illegal where I come from. In fact, it made me so angry that I need to stop writing so I can sleep it off. Oh, and dream of more sun filled days like today.